Through the fire

I see that the last time I blogged was in May. ::yikes:: So much has happened, in the way of ginormous life decisions.

First things first: I decided, shortly after my ex left, to put this baby up for adoption. Now, I could go through a big, long, tragic story and hash out every single detail of this decision, but I’m not going to make whoever reads this suffer through all that. In a nutshell, I realized that I can’t provide the type of emotional and financial support that a newborn needs. To do so, and to fail at it, would just be punishing him (yes, he’s a boy), and he doesn’t deserve that. My stepdad has helped me find a wonderful couple who have been trying to adopt for the past seven years, and I’m completely confident that Baby Banana (D’s nickname for him) is going to have a beautiful life with them. And, since the moment I decided to do this, I have not felt one shred of regret. I know that I’m doing the best possible thing that I could ever do for him, and I feel pretty damn good about that.

To add fuel to the fire, my ex has completely vanished. After a few months of wrangling with him not paying his half of the bills and the rent like he had promised to, and just generally being a completely worthless, irresponsible, selfish loser (surprise surprise) I decided to completely cut him off. I turned off his phone that was in MY name, let all of the bills that were in his name go to collections, and I changed my phone number. I haven’t spoken to him in three months, and I gotta tell ya, things couldn’t be more peaceful. All he gave me was excuses, sob stories, and stress, and I got sick of it. I absolutely refuse to pander to a 30 year-old manchild.

At this point, I’m trying to move towards forgiving him, but I haven’t quite gotten there yet. I’ve been praying about it, but I know that I have to be willing to open my heart for God to be able to help me, and I just can’t right now. I’m going to keep working on it, though. That’s all I can do.



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